The Ultimate Swimsuit Guide! What’s your Celebrity Body Type?

Marilyn bathing suit

For most of us, this has to be the most dreaded shopping trip we will ever make. Swimsuit shopping! Staring at our naked bodies in a room with 360 degree mirrors? Who is the person who invented these mirrors and where can I find him so I kill him?!

Take some pressure off and go armed with these useful tips below as not every body is created equally…so why should our swimsuits be?!

Match your body type below to find the perfect suit just for you and your one of a kind fabulous body!

 ~ I have Justin Biebers Body ~

No Boobs, No bum, No hips, No problem!

Take advantage that you have nothing to hide and wear something skimpy! Looking to add a few curves? Choose styles with ruffles, horizontal stripes, and details. Avoid anything sporty!


~ I’ve have Kate Gosselin’s body Pre-op!  ~

Cover up Stretch Marks and get an instant tummy tuck!

Try a suit with ruching. Not only is it supportive, but extremely forgiving! Plus they are all the rage these days, so you can be the trendiest mom at the pool!


~ I have Betty Whites Body ~

Don’t let Gravity get you down…no pun intended 😉

Gravity is an unfortunate part of life, but fortunately there are many ways we can disguise this natural disaster!

Push up the ladies by wearing halter tops or Crisscross Back straps. A top with a little padding will help everything look like it’s in the right spot.

There are plenty of supportive swimsuits out there designed to keep your rear where it belongs. Choose bottoms with full coverage such as briefs, hipsters, or boy shorts.


~I have Barbie’s body ~

We don’t like you. We will never like you. Wear whatever the hell you want!

~ I have Kim Kardashians Body (The one that’s been edited for Star Magazine) ~

A little extra Junk in the Trunk?

Camouflage your butt with strategically cut bottoms such as briefs, hipsters, or boy shorts. Choose a detailed bikini top to draw the eye up while keeping the bottom half solid in color, a dark shade is best unless you want to flaunt what your mama gave you!

Swim Suits

~ I have Oprahs Body, without the access to a full style team ~

Fabulously Full Figured!

So many great designers are now making swimsuits for plus size woman. Take full advantage as they are the best at what they do and they design these swimsuits to help all your trouble areas.

Diagonal Stripes across the bodice will give you a leaner look, and draw attention to your beautiful face. Choose a suit with a high back for a smooth finish. A high neck line will give you the confidence to swim and play knowing that nothing is going to fall out!

Skirtinis are a dynamite option when trying to conceal inner and outer thighs. Plus they are super adorable, even the skinny bitches are wearing them!


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Cheers, Victoria! kiss

29 thoughts on “The Ultimate Swimsuit Guide! What’s your Celebrity Body Type?

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  2. Ha this was hilarious!!!! I love that you encourage people not to take image so seriously. Do you have any favorite brands? I love the Triangl bikini brand that is really popular lately but they are so expensive!


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